Decided to blog although its so late and i have to get up damn early tomorrow coz it's a bloody school day. Didn't want to lose my muse. (Just hope i can finish before 1am)

I guess inherently each and everyone of us will come to a point in our lives where we ask ourselves this question: 'Why am i with her/him?' For a long time i couldn't really come out with a suitable encompassing justifiable answer. I could, superficially answer the question on a basic level, by listing the pros and cons of the person i'm with, and telling her that it's because of the fact that i am comfortable around her; but if what you are seeking is for something deeper than just skin-deep, i'm at a loss for words.

All around me i see people in love, correction, people in relationships. We don't need love nowadays to be together. Some people can do it for ambition, others for greed, some for companionship, whilst others: 'He proposed and i just said yes'. All in all, relationships are just not founded upon love itself anymore. It's gotten a lot more complicated than that.

To explain why this situation is happening and persisting will be impossible. One simply cannot possibly fathom out the minds of each and every person that's in a relationship, nor possibly empathise their feelings. If you were to judge them on the pretext of their unscrupulous motives, then, would you feel incriminated when i judge you on the length and numbers of the relationships you've had? Each of us walk a different path, meet different people, and within this world, how many of us is liable to find that one person whom we can really be true towards to?

Lying in bed just now, shortly after she left my house, i began to ponder. Prior to this i was playing around with her, just horsing around, basically something like a pillow fight and a chase sequence. The fact was that she made me laugh like a mad man, the real sort of laughter. The type that sounds from your heart, of pure ecstasy and joy, without a trace nor hint of falsity or holding back. Just pure laughter. It happened not just once, but quite a few times. And despite my best efforts, i really can't remember when was the last time i laughed so hard like that, before i met her.

I have a bad habit. In everything i do, i leave an escape route for my heart. In everything i do, i can only offer at best, 90% of my efforts. Why? I don't really know. Fear of getting hurt, i guess. It's just that, with every relationship i get into, i always go into it with the knowledge that it might eventually end. And whilst my feelings are true at that point in time, somehow i sub-consciously tell myself that or just behave in a manner that reflects my thinking: It might end anytime. That holds me back sometimes, the willingness to go the full stretch of road one is suppose to cover. I have a tendency to stop in the middle, look at the path lying ahead of me, and just deciding if i should proceed, or turn back.

With her, it's a little different. I told myself, that even if she leaves me, i will not be hurt, because that means i then won't be able control myself. I lose control, and i do bad things. But at that, i wouldn't want her to leave me without a struggle from me at least, because she's worth it. And if she does, i want it to be amicable, the knowledge that we once shared something special in our hearts, so that the next time we meet on the streets i can grant her a cursory nod and we can chat like old friends. If she leaves, i want to remember her, with a smile on my face.

But i don't want her to leave me.

Somehow within these conflicting thoughts, as i laid on my bed, i realised i've stumbled upon the crux of the question. 'Why?' Then i see the light... I realised that i've really given my 100% to her. Everything i've done, i'm going to do, i've dreamt of doing, i wished i've done is because of her. Despite the hurt that i might feel when this comes to the end, i've been willing to take the plunge, to make that sacrifice, and all done unknowingly, through a period of one year.

And then i could answer the question. I love her, not because of the physical connection, not only just because she makes me feel comfortable, not only just the fact that she accepts all my faults graciously, not just some shallow gratification of my ego, not just because it's her. It's just.... she brings out the good in me, she understands me, not just as a person, but as a consciousness, and because of me, she's willing to try her best, just like i'm willing to lay down my hands on the table. There's without a doubt that, both of us are willing to throw away our entirety of us each, just to guarantee the success of the other. The knowledge that she is willing to sacrifice for me, together with the knowledge that i know i'm just as happy to do the same.

And that is why i'm with her. Because she's not just any other person anymore, it's because she, is already me. She is me. We are together.

(Damn, it's 1:17am.. I am so fucked for tomorrow... But i guess, it's worth it.)